Mr. Chronicles Alvan Kinyua, CGP
The Chronicles Shrine
Nairobi City County
Kenya
Thursday 14th June, 2018
2338EAT
H.E. Uhuru Muigai Kenyatta
President of The Republic of Kenya
State House Road
P.O. Box 40530 – 00100
Nairobi,Kenya
Dear Mr. President,
To begin with, I find no need for salutations and such bravado. It’s not necessary.We are living in dangerous times as a country. We therefore can’t afford to waste even a single minute with unnecessary sideshows.
Instead, I will be brief like a cock on a hen. I will go straight to the point.
Today, Thursday, 14th June 2018, I have been informed by your Treasury CS, Henry Rotich that, during the upcoming 2018/2019 financial year, your government has set aside Kshs 460 billion (underline billion) to be used for the realization of the Big Four Agenda.
Of course, your government doesn’t have that money at the moment. Not even a single cent of it. But that’s understandable. Government is no different from the legendary Kenyan slay queens; it meticulously budgets for money it does not have.
This money will be raised by me and 45 million plus other taxpayers who will have to make numerous sacrifices for this ambitious target to be achieved.
Dear Mr President,
I have no problem with all that. In fact, I am a passionate proponent of the Big Four Plan. It is a very brilliant idea that our current and future generations can immensely reap from.
Dear Mr President,
I have always supported your administration and the Big Four Plan. I believe in you. That’s why I selflessly campaigned and voted for you twice. I am still willing to do that. I will thus be ready to make that painful sacrifice for the funds for the Big Four to be raised.
However, for our taxpayer-Jubilee government contract to continue existing, I am afraid, at this point in time, we shall have to review a some terms.
Dear Mr President,
This review is not ill-intended. Not at all. This review has been necessitated by our current circumstances. This review has been informed by the happenings in our country where you, with all your genuineness and good intentions, have several times propagated excellent ideas, initiated them, only for them to turn out to be scams, after a few other crooks in the system distorted everything and divert the funds to their pockets, bank accounts, and even to under their mattresses. I don’t think I need to cite examples here lest I get emotional.
Dear Mr President,
I like your zeal in the war corruption. However, we can’t keep on talking to days end. We must act.
Therefore Mr President,
I am afraid that, as your employer, I will have to adjust my contract with you, by giving some tougher conditions which you must meet, for our mutual benefit, failure to which, my engagement with you will come to an end.
Therefore Mr President,
From today onwards, as you move to tax me mercilessly to raise the 460 billion for the Big Four Plan:
1. All money meant for the Big Four must strictly go to the Big Four. That’s not negotiable at all.
2. I will be CLOSELY MONITORING the implementation of The Big Four projects for any MONKEY BUSINESS. MISTAKES are NO longer allowed.
3. In the event it emerges that money meant for the Big Four has found its way to the pockets of some few greedy fellows, the following shall happen:
a) MY CONTRACT, I, Mr Chronicles Alvan Kinyua, CGP with you H.E. Uhuru Kenyatta, CGH, whose my side of the bargain I have faithfully honoured since 2013, despite you disappointing me several times, shall be TERMINATED with IMMEDIATE EFFECT!
b) I will go ahead to make a PILGRIM to THE CHRONICLES MAIN SHRINE in DIFATHAS, Kirinyaga County, where I will face the HOLY MOUNTAIN of KIRINYAGA, DENOUNCE my SUPPORT for YOUR administration, seek FORGIVENESS from my ANCESTORS for ever supporting you and also INSTRUCT my FUTURE GENERATIONS to NEVER associate with YOU or YOUR KIN.
And those Mr President,
Are the new terms of our contract which you must meet or meet. No two ways about it.
Otherwise Mr. President,
It is very painful for me to work myself to death, pay taxes, then these taxes disappear into nothingness. I would rather not be part of the Big Four than allow myself to be robbed in broad daylight. I would rather be branded a rebel than fail my forefathers and my future generations.
So, it’s all now up to you Mr President. You have the yam and the knife. Whether you decide to cut yourself or me a piece or decide to keep the yam intact all together, it’s all up to you.
All the best Mr President.
Over and out….
Your Loyal Taxpayer
Mr. Chronicles Alvan Kinyua, CGP
Founder, Chair & CEO
The Chronicles