OH, THE SLAY QUEEN – What a species of a woman!

Guest blog post

By Onguso Ochengo

Amongst the fairer sex a new breed has been born. Interesting in shape form and character. And themselves they call one Slay Queen!

Lend me your ears gentlemen as a kind of this species we study in letters. The first wonder to slay without sword and the second queen without throne!

They abhor nature until paper money becomes natural. Hear, man, hear the current talk of our town.

When she wakes up she operates furthest from the mirror because of its honesty in portraying her face and trunk in natural form. The mirror then is her enemy number one.

She was black born of black parents. But on her dressing table ointment concoction reresembling an apothecary’s drawer shall you find. Now her color you cannot tell whether she’s an African, European or Indian!

All her privates are public. Her upper part any male calf can suck and firm they can’t stand without a booster. In short she leaves her breasts, open for discussion.

Her lower part has undergone major expansion projects. You insert your natural she does inquiry ‘s by haven’t you inserted in?’ Like a stick in a dam, no impact and boy, you wonder for satisfaction, does she want Kisii Sugarcane?

Fear not, son, when she does complain. Your lower head ain’t small, it us her lower mouth that wide. Don’t tell her though, for if she sweats her skin is prone to makeup erosion.

When she visits, force her not to bathe. Her eroded face goes against adulthood law of ‘cover the face, fire the base’. Let her be. Or while naked do you want to behold the face of a baboon?

Her buttocks though big, squeeze them not hard they might on your hands burst. Upon the natural matter some are faked patched with heavy paraphernalia to purchase your attention.

Between her ears, nature left a vacuum. What is in between her legs by far ‘helps’ the public than what between her ears will do in her lifetime. Her head but a beautiful container but when she argues one wonders, ‘was creation ever complete, without a brain?

When she says sick she is, to hospital rush not boy, buy no pharmacist relief. Before her eyes place your ATM card, or your loaded wallet open. That’s her true medicine!

‘Tall, dark and handsome’ are not senseless. She cares not your height or physical formation. Bear any currency in huge occurrence and her tummy, the weight of any obese man she can bear the pain!

When in the act, when like a dog she’s bent, pull not her hair. If you pull, in your hands shall Chinese hair products remain. With that she’ll demand much more for repair as a fine!

On general knowledge fault her not. Ask her who the President of Kenya is it which be the tallest Mountain. To the first she knows no Kenyatta. And to the Second Vera Sindika’s behind takes the place of Mt. Everest. And to the ignorance, the Slay Queen is genuine!

She carries a threateningly heavy Novel. Competing with bottles and cans of makeup for handbag space. All these to have an accompaniment of the air of importance for beyond the cover page, to the inside pages, her eyes are alien!

The cigarette she calls ‘junior Shisha. Firewood smoke she calls, ‘Shosho quinine Shisha. Car exhaust emissions she calls ‘Ferrari Shisha”. Now even clouds she calls ‘Ile shisha ya kunyesha woyie! Oh, the Slay Queen and her classification!

Take her not to the Church. The Holy Father for rosary she may ask, ‘Aki mbona amevaa bling bling cheap’! If they pray in spirit tantrums she’ll cause, ‘mbona kila mtu analia? Who’s dead?’ Give her no sacrament she calls ‘ile mkate ya sponsor wa church’. Unknown to her that it is divine.

Still on Holy Communion entertain her Never. She will question every custom. She’s sees the father sipping wine she asks ‘mbona sponsor anakunywa pekee yake?’ If Father gives the rest, she ask, ‘na mbona hakuhappen?’

Take her upcountry at your own peril and thou shall hear the contempt against your old folks. Your father is father no more. If he be old and the body so responds her description of dad will make you cry. The Slay Queen will innocent characterise papa,’aki woyie na haka kasponsor kameisha, bae! Never say I didn’t warn!